Arctic Mark in Stanley Park

What an amazing country we live in! Our society decided decades ago that it needed a national broadcasting agency to unify this vast land, and to provide Canadians with a means of expressing their identities, their cultures and their values in a public forum open and accessible to all. Thus was born the CBC. And only the CBC could (and would, and should) spend a little chunk of the hard-earned dollars of this country's taxpayers to fly a certain high-school English teacher from Ulukhaktok, NWT all the way to Toronto to take part in a brand new national quiz show. And exactly one week ago today, I spent the entire afternoon in the CBC's main studios at Wellington and John Streets to test my language skills and knowledge against 249 other contestants from all corners of the nation (except Nunavut, unfortunately, although Nunavut's loss was my gain, since the CBC could only afford my extravagant airfare due to the fact that no teacher had applied from Nunavut, thus freeing up some more budget money.)

I apologize to those inquiring minds out there (especially my buddy Ray back in the Hammer, who reigns as the undisputed "King of Comments"), who've been dying to know how the show went, how I did on the quiz, how my team fared overall, and what juicy celebrity gossip I've got to dish out. I hit the ground running upon my return here (literally, since the plane's brakes were a little rusty, and all of us passengers had to jump and roll onto the tarmac while the plane was still moving, as the flight attendant tossed our bags out the door after us.) But seriously, it's been a busy time since coming back on Tuesday, and I only had time to add the photos of my "Test The Nation" adventure in the March Photo Gallery, along with a few photo commentaries. I promise I'll finish the rest ASAP. But it's time now to give the full account of my adventures in Quiz Show Land.

First things first: Due to the blood oath of secrecy which all of us were sworn to uphold, I cannot reveal the final results of "Test The Nation II: Watch Your Language." Besides, if the results were publicized in advance of the actual broadcast date (which the CBC still hasn't told us), hardly anyone would watch the show, would they? Where would be the nail-biting suspense, the raw, edge-of-your-seat human drama of 250 finely tuned minds competing for the title of "Canada's Smartest Wordsmiths"? So please be patient, folks. All I can reveal at this point is that the high-school English teachers did not come in last out of the seven teams, or first either, or third, or fourth, or fifth, or sixth. Other than that deliberately vague information, I cannot reveal how we did as a team. And I also cannot reveal who the winning team was, although I can tell you that it wasn't the Word Gamers, The Romance Novelists, The Fraternities/Sororities, The Celebrities, The Comedians, or - I'm a little embarrassed to admit - the High School English Teachers, although we gave the winners a serious run for their money. And I still have not received my official individual score, although the whole group took up the test together at the end of the taping, just as they did last Sunday night on the national IQ test pilot show, "Test The Nation: IQ". So I can safely say that I did pretty well, I think. [For those of you who have been dying to know who exactly were the members of the "Celebrities" team, here's the roster: 1) Andrew Coyne, columnist at the National Post; 2) Kim Stockwood, singer/songwriter; 3) Patrick McKenna, actor/comedian ("Red Green," etc.); 4) Sook-Yin Lee, broadcaster (host of CBC Radio's "Definitely Not The Opera")/multimedia "artist"; 5) Sheila McCarthy, actress; 6) Divine Brown, R&B singer/songwriter; 7) Russell Smith, writer/columnist/novelist; 8) Cathy Jones, actress/writer/comedienne. I'll let you be the judge as to whether all of these people qualify as genuine "celebrities."]

The 70 multiple-choice questions were organized into various categories, such as "Spelling", "Word Use," "Canadian Terms & Phrases," "Word Origins," "Grammar," and so on. Some of the questions were really easy, and others were quite tough, and many were somewhere in between. I can safely admit that I guessed on more than a few. One of the things that made this experience so enjoyable for all of us was that many of the questions had a "joke" answer included among the four choices, and they were extremely clever and entertaining for the group to read. We were all laughing throughout the taping, and often it was hard to stay focused and answer the question properly in the limited time frame because we'd be commenting to each other on the joke answers. Every now and then you'd hear someone say, "Oh crap! I missed that one!" or "Damn! There's only 2 seconds left! I guess I'll choose 'B'!" It occurred to me part way through the show that maybe this was a sly twist to the test on the part of its designers: to see who could stay focused and not be distracted by the hilarious joke answers would give them a truer insight into what constitutes genuine linguistic intelligence. Or maybe they just wanted to keep themselves amused while creating the test. We'll probably never know. All I know is that I suddenly realized sitting there that that would be my ideal dream job: writing joke answers for a national TV quiz show. How do you get a job like that? Where do I sign up?

Now, you're probably hoping that I'll give you a sample of these questions, but of course I can't do that (blood oath and all). However, I can tell you that one question in particular tickled my funny bone, and I'm presenting a paraphrased version of it to give you a little taste of the kind of intellectual challenge that we all faced for several intense hours last Saturday. [Note: Before you read the question, you must swear your own blood oath not to reveal the contents of this question to anyone else until after the air date. Please take this oath as seriously as I have. We wouldn't want this question to fall into the wrong hands, would we?] The category was "Canadian Words and Phrases":

Q: What is the correct term for a person from Winnipeg?

A) Winnipeger
B) Winnipegite
C) Winnipegonian
D) Gord

You can see why we had such a good time. (If you can't, then I don't think you and I will have much to talk about ;-)

MARK'S "TOP 10 LIST" OF HIGHLIGHTS FROM MY "TEST THE NATION" EXPERIENCE:

10) FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD!!! More specifically, the fantabulous feast they provided for us prior to the taping. Sandwiches to die for, salads galore, and loads of other goodies. I'm sure it was all scientifically designed to maximize the production of much-needed brain glucose.

9) WENDY MESLEY!! What can one say about Wendy M. that hasn't been said a million times before? Virtually every self-respecting red-blooded Canadian male (including Peter Mansbridge) has had a crush on Wendy at some point in their lives, and let me just say that live in person, she doesn't disappoint. The charming way she reads the teleprompter would melt the heart of even the most jaded, media-saturated cynic. For my money, Wendy Mesley will always be the TV Hostess With the Mostess.

8) THE COOL & CREEPY BOOM CAMERA!! This camera was situated right beside me, and the huge arm extended out into the studio and whizzed around unpredictably at all angles, occasionally stopping and turning to zoom in on unsuspecting contestants. It made me sharply conscious of the possibility of being monitored at all times, and so I made an extra effort to refrain from embarrassing social gaffes like nose-picking, drooling, groin-scratching, and just, like, totally spazzing out. The "cool" factor was knowing that any of these shots that included me could make it to the final edit of the show. The "creepy" factor was knowing that any of these shots that included me could make it to the final edit of the show.

7) THE LINT BRUSH WOMAN!! See my commentary on this photo of Sheila McCarthy being de-linted for the full story. I was SOOO jealous of the pampered Celebs, and I wondered why every one of us wasn't treated to the rare privilege of having our lint removed by this mysterious woman, the "Official Lint Remover To The Stars." I just hope for the CBC's sake that the millions of lint particles on my shirt and pants do NOT show up on national TV when the show finally airs!!

6) THOSE ZANY COMEDIANS!! All the way through the show, they gave us regular updates on the relative positions of the various teams, and the Comedians were unfortunately near the bottom almost every time (although this is just an unconfirmed rumour until the show goes to air, of course). This became a source of much hilarity after the first couple of updates, and to their credit, the Comedians took this as a point of perverse pride, and made lots of noise every time their low ranking was displayed. Great sports, every one of them.

5) MY FAB BAG O' SWAG!! The top scoring individual contestant won a $5000 travel voucher, but the other 249 of us had to make do with a CBC Gift Bag containing an official "Test The Nation" T-shirt (with the logo "Ask me how I scored"), and an official "Test The Nation" notebook (with the logo, "It's all in your head"). It seemed somehow fitting (so to speak) that after all the trouble and expense I went to to acquire my custom-made Ulukhaktok t-shirt for the show, I should receive another t-shirt as my prize. So in retrospect, this whole adventure could be summed up as "A Tale of Two T-Shirts." And after all, isn't it true that one great t-shirt deserves another?


4) TEAM SPIRIT & FRIENDLY RIVALRY!! The producers encouraged all of us to bond within our separate teams over lunch, and then to stir up some friendly rivalry once we were in the studio. We the English teachers were by consensus "the team to beat," and so we felt a bit more pressure than the others, I think. There were a lot of great moments of inter-team trash-talking, but always in good fun. I was also glad for the chance to meet and talk with some teachers from across the country, in particular the only other "northern" teacher on our team, Richard ?? from Haines Junction, Yukon (right at the border with Alaska).

3) OH, THAT CATHY JONES!! (of "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" and "Codco"). I've always loved Cathy Jones, and she didn't disappoint this time. As part of the eight-person Celebrity Team (that's her on the far right), Ms. Jones provided lots of hilarious commentary on the proceedings during the breaks, and during the "live" bits too. My personal Cathy Jones Moment came during one break, when she had turned in her seat and was playfully mocking us English teachers, who were sitting behind her. A few other teachers were joking back and forth with her, and then when she made a particularly sharp comment I yelled out, "Cathy Jones, you turn around right now and face the front!!" Everybody laughed, and she pretended to be chastened, and turning to face the front, she asked abashedly, "Do I have to stay after school too?" Truly, she is a national treasure.

2) WEARING MY EYE-CATCHING ULU T-SHIRT!! Although the producers decided early on in the process to forget about having us teachers wear clothing with our school logos on it for logistical reasons, as I indicated in my recent post, I went ahead and commissioned local artist Elsie Klengenberg to create the fantabulous t-shirt which I brought with me in the hope that I could still sneak it on somehow. Well, the producers loved the shirt when they saw it, and as it happened I was seated in the front row of the English Teachers' box, allowing for maximum visibility, especially against the dark background. I felt very proud to wear that shirt, and it made me even more conscious that I was there as an ambassador of sorts for my school, my community, the Beaufort Delta region, the NWTTA (NWT Teachers' Association), and the entire NWT. (I forgot to mention that each of the teams was given a symbolic prop to wave throughout the show. The Romance Novelists were each given a rose, the Fraternities and Sororities members were each given a prop which I've forgotten (a beer bottle?), the Word Gamers were each given a crossword puzzle book, the Comedians were each given a fake-nose-and-glasses to wear, and the Ad Writers were given large signs that read: "YOUR AD GOES HERE: ___________________" We English teachers were each given a small chalkboard and a piece of chalk, which turned out to be the best props, because we could each write out a personal message to hold up whenever that cool & creepy boom camera whizzed past. My message was "NWT RULES!!", but other people wrote "Hi Mom!" and other such greetings.

1) MY 15 SECONDS OF TV FAME!! Because I was seated in the front row of our box, I was selected along with the others in my row to be interviewed VERY briefly by co-host Brent Bambury. During one break he came over with a camera and lighting person and did a power interview, blasting through the whole row in about 2 minutes. When he got to me, he thanked me for coming all the way down from the Arctic, and asked me how long I had been traveling to get there, to which I responded, "16 hours straight." He then asked me how many spellings of "Ulukhaktok" there are, to which I responded, "As many as you like, Brent, but the correct one is right here on my shirt." And thus ended my 15 seconds of TV fame. Let's just hope that segment doesn't end up on the cutting room floor.


Well, folks, that about wraps it up for this post. I think I've covered everything you ever wanted to know about "Test The Nation II: Watch Your Language!" but were afraid to ask. If you'd like to know anything else (except the test contents and the final results, of course!), you can write to me directly or leave a comment right here. And of course I will announce the broadcast date and time for the show as soon as I know when it will be. In the meantime, I still have lots of photos and post ideas on the back burner, just waiting for the right moment to add them here. As always, thanks for your patience, understanding and continued support. I'd also like to send out a big "koana" (thank you) to all the friends and family I was able to see and/or talk to during my whirlwind visit to Toronto. A special thanks to Jacqui and Bill Jeffers in Oshawa (pictured here beside the rustic tractor which they are tractor-sitting for a neighbour) who for the second time this year have welcomed me into their home while I've been visiting. You guys are the greatest! To everyone else I didn't have time to see or talk to this time around, I will make sure to do so when I visit again later this summer.

Until then, please stay tuned....

ta ta for now,

Mark